Lose myself

she had lost her reason to live but by sheer luck
had found happiness again
she grew accustomed to its sweet
taste
she relished in it
she rediscovered the joy of happiness
she should have known better
nothing good lasts forever
she was a masochist when it came to
pain

she felt her heart go numb, 
she felt empty, 
no clear expression could match the turmoil within her. 
She thought about the boy she once loved, 
the laughter they once shared,
the nights she laid in bed in tears over him, 
she thought about the dreams they once shared, 
she thought about all she could have given him. 
She smiled to stop the tears from falling, 
gradually the feelings came rushing in,
anger - hurt - betrayal - love,
She thought back to that
day, the day it all began.

she tried to process her feelings individually
disassociating herself from who she became when she was with him 
she saw she had become a shadow of her former self
she lost herself while loving him 
it didn’t keep him 
nothing could keep him but him alone