Why and How Do We Choose Friends?

Famous author C.S. Lewis said, “‘What! You too? "Friendship begins the moment we say 'I thought I was the only one,'" he said.


Likewise, the Greek thinker Plato said, “similarities create friendships” in B.C. In the year 360. Aristotle made a similar comment: “It is said that we love those who are like us.”
Friendships that thrive on sharing thoughts and tastes seem instinctive; but this is deceiving. Most friendships develop outside of family members and spouses. In other words, friendship cannot be explained by genetics or the aim of continuing the generation. On the contrary, evolutionary biologists base friendship on mutual benefit. In other words, the mentality of 'if you scratch my back, I will scratch yours'.
But social psychologists have shown that people don't keep track of the help they give to their friends and the help they receive from their friends. Primatologist Joan Silk puts it this way: “Reciprocity and equality are important among friends; However, the concept of seeking the same reward for everything is contrary to the establishment and maintenance of close friendships. "If this paradoxical situation is indeed true, friendship poses a major puzzle for evolutionary analysts."

Social hierarchy

As with other issues related to evolution, looking at the animal kingdom can provide clues on this issue. French shark experts investigated whether there is a social explanation for the gathering of sharks in the same areas, that is, as a result of friendship, or because there is plenty of food in these areas.
It has been observed that some sharks prefer to be around certain sharks and these friendships last for a long time, while some change their ways to get away from others. Geographical or regional proximity was not enough to explain these friendships.
In dolphins with larger brains, there is a two-level social hierarchy, as in primates. Male groups consisting of two or three members formed an alliance to protect females from other males, and larger groups, including many groups formed in this way, were formed to steal females from other groups. Since the males in both groups are related to each other, the reason for such cooperation can be attributed to genes.
But an Australian research group has discovered a third hierarchy. Here, we were talking about a cooperation between large groups that were not related to each other.
As with human friendships, some alliances between animals could not be explained by reciprocity. For example, while dolphins roamed in groups, even if they were in competition with another group, they could cooperate against foreign dolphins coming to the region for the common good.

Strategic mechanism

Perhaps friendships are not based on similarities as argued by Plato and Aristotle, nor on the principle of reciprocity as advocated by evolutionary biologists, but on the preservation of reputation.
In an experiment conducted by psychologists Peter DeScioli and Reobert Kurzban in 2009, subjects were asked to rank 10 non-family friends according to their degree of closeness. They were then told to imagine that they had 100 points to distribute to their friends.
It was observed that when the subjects were told that everyone would see the result, they distributed the points equally. However, when it was said that the result would be kept secret, the points were distributed in such a way that the best friend received the most points and the following ones gradually decreased. As social beings who care about their reputation, people act with the concern that their behavior may be observed by others.
Friendships may function as a strategic mechanism used to provide advance support against possible future conflicts. Experts say that in conflicts involving humans, the winning side depends on the number of supporters rather than strength or skill. So, it can be said that the big statements about friendships not being based on interests are just words.