To be compliant or non-compliant #1

If you ask a maladjusted person what they want, they will tell you straight away. "This is what I want and this is how I'm going to get it!" But conformists, especially over-conformists, often don't even know what they want.

Because they are so used to living for other people, making them happy, that it is very difficult for them to make their own way. Look, there are situations where it's advantageous, but it's certainly not advantageous if you're trying to make a career for yourself. It's useless.
The average man and woman don't differ much in terms of compatibility on a group basis, but when you look at the extreme examples out there, there are a lot of differences. That's why most compliant people are women and most incompliant people are men. Frequent outliers are more important than the general situation.

So one of the things that is reflected in our society is that there are more men in prison. The best personality predictor of incarceration is to be a misfit, and that makes you callous, rigid. Now you might think what is the opposite of kindness and compassion? The answer, I think, is a kind of commercial exchange that is determined in the mind.
For example, let's say we are going to engage in a little repeated trade together, and if you are very compliant, you will negotiate on my behalf and on your behalf. If you are a misfit you will do the opposite, you will think that you are in this trade for yourself and you will only be interested in your share.
The compliant person will think that it should be at least 50-50, but I will still help you in any way I can. If you are a compliant person, one of the things you have to be careful about is not to be used. Because you are lining up to be used.

I think it's because (your brain) is wired from infancy to be exploitable. It's useless in the real world. One of the things that often happens in psychotherapy ... People come to psychotherapy for many reasons, and one of the reasons is that they are very compliant. And what they call self-esteem training is not really self-esteem training, it's just learning how to negotiate on their own behalf.

"Say what you think, tell the truth about what you think. "

What you think will probably be heavy and hard. But it will also be true. You have to emphasize that and get the message across."

And it's not an easy thing. Because harmonious people don't like conflict. They don't like it at all. They want the waters to be calm, and you can see why this fits in with the hypothesis that I have put forward. You don't want conflict or fighting to break out around the child. It is very dangerous. You don't want him to fall out with his peers.
If you are more prone to getting physically and maybe emotionally hurt, you may also be reluctant to engage in the kind of high-intensity conflicts that will solve problems in the short term. Because solving problems in the short term requires a lot of conflict.

If it becomes uncontrolled and dangerous, which it can, it may be safer to calm the waters rather than digging into it in the short term. But the problem is that this is not a good strategy in the long run. Because most of the time you have to talk, because they will not go away