Stagnant

Come peek at what's going on behind the scenes.
Examine what is beneath the surface to see what is definitely black.
Behind the mask of jokes and grins
is a gloomy chasm where humanity is suffocating
Yes, I frequently act in ways that make it appear as though my judgment is flawed.
I'm so bewildered and confused that it's difficult for me to maintain my sanity.

When tear-jerker stories don't even bother me, I really worry that I'm losing my mind and my conscience.
It's absurd that I occasionally get myself to cry.
Just to hide how numb I feel on the inside from everyone
Everyone appears to have a solution for my issues.
Like they're Dr. Phil or my psychiatric professional

Nobody is aware of the crimes. After seeing
I don't say this to seek pity or sympathy; rather, I just want you to know the terrible terrible things that even I have dreamed. I also want someone to see the real me.
To witness the crushing anguish of defeat, my daily struggle with my demons at night, and my attempt to maintain the stability of this world

When everything around me is continually falling apart
to understand that I sometimes cling to the best aspects of my life
I struggle for the things that make me happy with a death-grip.
Anything, simply to temporarily dull the pain
Anything only to temporarily transform the world
Anything, just to silence me for a time.
I have no place for denial because I know I'm an addict.

My "trial by fire" is my chemical makeup.
As I continue to rise, things seem to be getting better.
It almost seems unreal to me since the globe seems so much farther under me than it should.
My brain is my prison.
This world is my torment, too.

But praise God for the possibility of pleasant outcomes.
I wouldn't give it a chance to tell if I didn't otherwise
And since I'm spilling all of my thoughts, I might as well continue to do so until I run out of creative ideas.
I want to apologize to the people who trusted me.
To those who believed that I would never be broken by this world

To those who hoped I might improve, thank you
To everyone I've ever let down, I'm sorry.
I try my best, but I don't know if I have what it takes to be a woman. I know I've derailed your plans and folded my own hands. I'm not as strong as you think I am.

But you must understand that I'm trying my best. I'm aware that my words don't always make sense, but if you try to read between the lines, you might get the idea. I can hear myself yelling internally. Why am I filled with such uncertainty?
My skin is scorching.

internal to external
And there is no question that it will kill me someday.
I wish I knew exactly how to handle it if I can't go beyond it or overcome it.
I'm unsure of what I'm trying to say and whether anything I've said even makes sense.
However, it's spontaneous, unscripted, and utterly unplanned.
My life is like a 747. I'm hoping I can get it.