Stationary

Come peek at what's going on behind the scenes.

Examine what is beneath the surface to see what is definitely black.

Behind the mask of jokes and grins is a gloomy chasm where humanity is suffocating

I occasionally act in ways that seem to contradict my mental state.

I worry I'm losing my mind and my conscience at times when tear-jerker stories don't even bother me because I'm lost and confused and because it's so difficult to rediscover rationality.

It's absurd that I occasionally get myself to cry.

Just to hide how numb I feel on the inside from everyone

Everyone appears to have a solution for my issues.

They can resolve them like they are my psychiatrist or Dr. Phil.



Nobody is aware of the crimes. After seeing
I don't say this out of sympathy, but even I have dreamed horrible things.

All I want is for someone to see the real me.

To witness my ongoing struggle with my demons at night and to maintain the integrity of this world

To experience the excruciating pain of failure as everything around me keeps crumbling

to understand that I sometimes cling to the best aspects of my life

I struggle for the things that make me happy with a death-grip.

Anything, simply to temporarily dull the pain

Anything only to temporarily transform the world

Anything, just to silence me for a time.

I have no place for denial because I know I'm an addict.


My "trial by fire" is my chemical makeup.

As I ascend, things seem to become better.

The globe seemed to be farther below me.

It almost seems strange to me.

My brain is my prison.

This world is my torment, too.

But praise God for conclusive outcomes

I wouldn't give it a chance to tell if I didn't otherwise

And because I'm already spilling all of my thoughts, I might as well continue to do so until I run out of creative ideas.

I want to express my regrets to those who believed in me and believed that I would never be broken by this world.

To those who hoped I might improve, thank you
To everyone I've ever let down, I apologize. I'm not as strong as you think I am.

I try my best, but I can't change who I am. I know I've derailed your plans and folded my own hands, but please understand that I'm doing the best I can. I know I don't always make the most sense, but if you attempt to read between the lines, you might get the idea.

Why am I feeling so uncertain? I can hear myself yelling within.
I'm being internally burned by it.

And there is no question that it will kill me someday.

I wish I knew exactly how to handle it if I can't go beyond it or overcome it.
I'm unsure of what I'm trying to say and whether anything I've said even makes sense.

However, it's spontaneous, unscripted, and utterly unplanned.
My life is like a 747. I'm hoping I can get it.