Life Pivots: Let’s Follow Joy, Shall We?

Pantai Gener, Bali : Photo by Tom Kubik
Everyone loves a quitting story. The ones where you tell your boss to shove it and take a baseball bat to the copy machine. This isn’t one of those stories, but it is about a wake-up call and jumping off of a cliff.
As long as I can remember, I’ve always been a planner. Sure, I took risks but I was the kid who saved every penny of her allowance to save up for a unicorn figurine behind a glass case. And when I finally had the money, I still didn’t feel right buying it. Money — financial security — has always been a black cloud hovering. That’s what happens when you grow up seeing money as a fracture in your family: you learn that it’s best not to rock the boat or want too much. Over time, you stop believing that your desires are valid. And then, that your needs are important. Over time, you start talking yourself into a scarcity story that whittles away at you until you can’t even dream anymore. You don’t even know what you want or who you are because that part of you is so so quiet.
I think that’s what got me to Portland in the first place. It was a practical choice: great job with amazing benefits (I mean, massages are covered by insurance) and a ton of paid-time-off, a design-forward city that was growing, a place where my outdoorsy partner could forage and hike to his heart’s content when he finally got the go-ahead to move, vineyards a quick drive away, proximity to my sister and her husband. On paper, it was perfect.
But two years in, I am miserable. All the adrenal supplements and happy lamps in the world can’t combat the feeling that I feel ridiculously out of place and lonely here. I have been in a daily battle with my mind that says, “Be grateful! Take stock of what you have” all the while feeling like Sisyphus attempting to take stock of that incredible view.
How I woke up might sound like something out of Eat, Pray, Love (which I haven’t read, but respect to Elizabeth Gilbert for Big Magic, which my Portland therapist recommended. True story). I went to Bali with 18 other people and a group of women (including Mama Gena) taught me that my desires are valid and I am supposed to dream big, take risks, be radiant, and do whatever my wild heart desires because this life is too fucking short. Two years isn’t long and it really really is when you’re not “living your best life” or “standing in your truth”. And yeah, these sound like taglines on an overpriced yoga t-shirt but there’s real truth here. Joy comes from standing in integrity with who you are and that comes from knowing and advocating for your deepest desires. Because if you don’t take responsibility for your joy, who the hell will?
So I decided that this year, I will follow joy. I told my boss I had to leave and do something that I know will make me so happy (we held hands, tears were shed). I am now packing up everything I own over the next two weeks and putting as much as possible into my car. On February 3rd, I am driving South through Oregon and California and then East on 1–10 until I get to New Orleans.
I am joining my mom (Kathleen) and sister (Laura) in NOLA and we are starting a plant studio called FAIT. Fait means “he/she does or makes” in French (it also means “fact” according to Madame Levasseur) and FAIT is about getting our hands dirty, finding plants that inspire, making the natural world part of our everyday lives, and promoting the artistic energy of NOLA.
We are going to sell plants and ceramics and teach people how to make plant creations. There’s part of me that’s terrified to leave the security of a full-time job, but you know what? I have no doubt in my mind that this is going to bring me all of the joy and that is why I know it’s what I must do (nod to
elle luna
).This probably won’t be the last chapter in my switchback story, but it might be the most interesting. If you’re interested in following along as I make my way across the country and start-up FAIT, you can follow me here or on Instagram at @emilyfields and @fait.nola. If you have suggestions for stops along my route where I can find incredible plants, local artists, botanical gardens, ceramicists, or special places, please share with me via comment or DM.