Creativity is a thing

On romanticizing the mundane
"When we have worn out the interest we once took in death, when we realize we have nothing more to gain from it, we fall back on birth, we turn to a much more inexhaustible abyss." -E.M. Cioran

Creativity is a confusing endeavor. Especially given the fact we live in a system that expects us to specialize and find a niche for the sake of marketability and the exchange of currency.

'Ah but just do it for fun."

Yeah, sure, I could totally do that. I could do that. But then I cannot es- cape the insurmountable thought of having to work more at something that I hate if I do so. In a capitalist system, time is a liniited resource, and this means even if you decide to do something that you love, you risk becoming forced to do more
of what you hate in exchange. And that doesn't get talked about a lot. So, I guess that was me talking about it.

And inevitably, when I think of creativity, I think of impact. And then I wonder, what is this context of impact? What does that mean? I'm sitting here, contemplating and wondering about my desire to create something of importance, while also wondering if I'm simply wanting to create something of importance so that enough people recognize me, thus notice me, and then allow me or grant me the privilege of avoiding doing other things...and those other things are more apt to be doing something I hate. So, please help me. Or don't. Actually, maybe you shouldn't, because what do I know?

Anyway, the topic is creativity. Or
so I think it is, and on brand for me: I'm seeking out the meaning of this topic. I've also recently concluded that maybe I seek out the meaning of things for one simple reason, and one simple reason only: to avoid my own personal issues because what better way to avoid being vulnerable with yourself than by simply asking the question of what vulnerability even means? You see, I can ask myself endless questions and maintain the persona of curi- osity, while simultaneously telling myself that I'm exploring myself, but through this lie, I can explore without ever finding the thing I'm telling myself that I'm attempting to find- and that is myself.

I intellectualize my own emotions and I've recently learned we're supposedly not supposed to do that. Cheeky, However, I cannot help but feel...what the fuck do they know?
Okay okay, focus...

Creativity. I hate everything I create. I create something. I go, "yeah this is kind of trash," and then I go, "well, I might as well post it otherwise that time feels wasted, so fuck it." Rinse and repeat.

The worst response is probably people telling me I sound preten- tious. Well, I'm here to inform you that I probably do. I want to change many things about myself and if I knew how to change that, I would. And maybe someday I could.

Ah, for some reason that little blurb I just wrote reminded me of a saying I hate very very much...

"Part of learning to love yourself is learning to love your flaws," or something along those lines, and sometimes that advice does probably apply, but what about
the times, the many times even, that it doesn't? I cannot escape the thought of those many times, thus, that saying...makes me want to vomit, pretentiously. I cannot escape the thought that 'loving your flaws' often equates to manipulating yourself into thinking your flaws are actually wonderful personality traits when, in reality, they could be part of the problem. Not everything about us should be validated. Not every opinion and thought we have should be validated.

Part of learning about your emotions for me is learning when we should invalidate ourselves because I think part of the process for change within ourselves occurs when we invalidate things about ourselves, as then we can look to no longer be attached to them. It's this invalidation that can make us aware of our own stupidity. Our own
malleability.

Yeah, so creativity is a thing. And I suppose a question around creativ- ity would be what truly gives value and meaning to something you create? I suppose an AI-generated response would probably say something along the lines of 'How much impact does the thing have on others' lives or your life?' or 'Does it inspire people to change, grow, and evolve?' yeah...

My more honest answer would be that I create in order not to be for- gotten. I do not want to be forgotten by myself or others. In many ways, it's an egotistical endeavor. But you should ask me tomorrow because I'll have forgotten my answer to this and better yet, my reason for it. And the show must go on...

So for me, creativity feels like a performance. Honestly, that's what
life feels like for me most days: a performance.

I perform myself for myself and I perform myself for others. The myself I refer to discussing, what the fuck even is that? Sounds made up...because it probably is.

I'm again annoying myself with my own words. I feel as though I'm having a session of teen angst or some shit. But the show goes on.

Yeah, so creativity is a thing. Some say it's a form of escapism, and in many ways, it is - but I desire to make something tangible and thought-provoking. Some create worlds and some will say that they create worlds as that form of escap- ism. However, I think most creativ ity comes down to making sense of the mundane. Even when we create something shocking, or an immers- ive world, or an immersive story,
or what one would describe as anything but mundane, the reality is its formulation is a response to the mundane.

Creation becomes the romanticiza- tion of something we once thought to be mundane.

Anyway, I'm going to keep creating, and hopefully one of these days I will create something good.

Stay curious.