It's easy to assume that deep down, most people are good - that they want to help others, be kind, and make the world a little better. But the unfortunate reality is that not everyone has a good heart. Some people are selfish, cruel, and seem to lack basic human empathy. What causes this? And how should we respond when we encounter people with hard hearts?

The Roots of a Hard Heart

A variety of factors can contribute to a person developing a hard or uncaring heart over time. Here are some of the most common:

• Trauma and abuse - Being mistreated, especially in childhood, can warp someone's perspective and erode their capacity for trust and care. Physical, emotional or sexual abuse in the formative years may predispose someone to numb or harden their emotions as a coping mechanism.
• Mental illness - Certain mental health conditions, like antisocial personality disorder, can essentially disable a person's ability to feel empathy or remorse. While mental illness explains behavior, it does not excuse cruelty.
• Ideology - When people are indoctrinated with an ideology that dehumanizes certain groups, they can justify horrible acts against their perceived "enemies." Racism, sexism and religious extremism can all contribute to a hard heart.
• Environment - If someone grows up in a culture that incentivizes selfishness and a "looking out for number one" attitude, they may adopt those values as their own. A life of poverty or crime can also breed suspicion and lack of care.
• Pain and loss - Significant hurt, grief or disadvantage in life can unfortunately make some individuals bitter, jealous and hateful towards others who found more fortune. Pain that isn't processed in a healthy way can warp perspective.
• Entitlement - When people feel superior to others and deserving of special privileges, the suffering of the less fortunate fails to evoke sympathy. The more entitled an attitude, the harder the heart often is beneath it.
• Habit - Over time, even small acts of casual unkindness can desensitize someone to the harm they cause others. Things like bullying, deception and infidelity can become easy and habitual.

The truth is that a combination of nature (temperament and psychology) and nurture (life experiences and influences) shape each person's heart. And every human heart has the capacity for both good and evil. We all struggle with inner darkness to varying degrees. But for some people, the darkness has taken deep root.

The Heart-Hardening Process

The gradual process of developing a callous heart is insidious. At first, someone might consciously choose selfish or unkind actions. But as they repeatedly smooth over any remorse and justify their behavior, it becomes their default. Conscience numbs. They can harm others without batting an eye.

This deadening of natural human empathy - replacing it with indifference or contempt for certain people groups - undergirds some of the worst cruelty and prejudice in history. Hard-heartedness explains how otherwise ordinary people can sustain systems like slavery, religious warfare, sex trafficking and more.

And on an interpersonal scale, many hardened individuals leave trails of damaged relationships, broken trust and trauma in their wake. Addictions often both stem from childhood wounds and foster further heart-hardening through the pain caused under their influence.

Responding to the Hard-Hearted

It's crushing to realize someone you cared about has a hard heart - that your relationship meant little to them in the end. The natural response is often hurt giving way to anger. But getting sucked into cycles of bitterness only breeds more darkness.

Though the knee-jerk reaction to cold heartedness is to withdraw or lash out, brave love offers another way - the only real antidote. We have to guard our own hearts, establish healthy boundaries and act in wisdom. But refusing to dehumanize those who dehumanize others is the only way forward.

Some ideas on how to respond:

• Let go of entitlement over that person and release the offense, even if you can't reconcile. This will help maintain your own heart's softness.
• Build empathy by trying to understand what forged the hardness, even if their actions are inexcusable. See their intrinsic worth.
• Check your own darkness. We all have places we're blind. Pray to have your own heart issues revealed.
• Return kindness for evil. Look for ways, big or small, to serve - not enable - them through tangible love.
• Model integrity, honesty, grace and patience. The transformation of hard hearts is God's work - not yours. Simply reflect Him.
• Speak the truth in love, not condemnation. Make sure they're hearing you, not just reacting to how you say it.
• Don't become hardened yourself. Guard your heart. Stay close to people who nourish life, joy and empathy.
• Pray for that person. Ask God to do what you cannot in melting their defenses with His perfect love.

Our world needs soft-hearted people - those who choose compassion and human dignity over apathy or rage. And one transformed heart can impact many. May we reflect the true heart of God to all in our sphere of influence.