Revisiting My Past: A Journey of Reflection and Growth

I was brought up by strict and traditional parents, my father in particular. As a child, I wasn't allowed to stay overnight at other people's homes, regardless of whether school was the next day. A lack of proficiency in household tasks or an inability to manage my younger siblings was seen as a downfall. I was deemed the culprit whenever my siblings fumbled, and I bore the blame if home chores weren't handled correctly. Visiting my cousins next door was a forbidden thrill that remained just out of reach.

It felt like my life was a maze of restrictions.

Often, I found myself drained and puzzled, wondering, "Why aren't I freely engaging in the things my cousins are?" and "Why do my parents have such a stern disposition compared to others?" Was the mantle of the elder sibling too suffocating, or was there more to it?

Although my parents' approach to discipline was harsh, it helped me avoid certain pitfalls of adolescence, such as early pregnancy or substance abuse that some of my peers fell into. It prevented me from falling victim to the high expectations of academic success as a ticket out of poverty, or from succumbing to the lure of bad influences over parental advice.

The lofty pinnacle of success that I envisioned for myself and my parents is still a speck on the horizon, with half my dreams remaining wishful thoughts. Still, I am grateful to have moved beyond the forlorn ignition phase of my life—the initial struggle to carve out an identity for myself.

Embarrassingly, I find myself envious of others who have made significant strides in life; those who can afford family vacations or buy attractive gadgets and commodities. In my heart, there is a mix of jealousy and a sense of loss. This brings up questions like: “If I had been braver, if I had been more adventurous, could I have achieved as much as they have now?” “I've tried my best, so why does my progress seem so slow?” “Even at this age, why do I keep making the wrong life decisions? Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes?”

Ultimately, I’ve been trying to reconcile with the unsolved riddles of my past by acknowledging that each person's life evolves at its own rhythm. Every life narrative is distinct, and crucially, our present—whether it fits our vision or not—is a culmination of the choices we've made.

Here’s a poem for this:

A childhood of strictness, a maze of "no's,"
My parents' rules, a constant, heavy dose.
Forbidden thrills, a cousin's laughter near,
While I was bound, a silent, stifled tear.

But as I grew, their sternness, I could see,
Had shielded me, a fortress, strong and free.
From pitfalls dark, that lured my peers astray,
My path was clear, a different, safer way.

Though dreams remain, a distant, shimmering light,
The initial struggle, fading from sight.
I envy those who've climbed to greater heights,
Yet understand, each soul, a different flight.

The past is a puzzle, with pieces yet to find,
Each choice we make, leaves its own mark behind.
I'm grateful for the lessons, both bitter and sweet,

And move on with hope, my future, to meet.

Final words

As I continue to navigate the complexities of life, I carry with me the lessons learned from both my upbringing and my personal experiences. I am grateful for the foundation my parents provided, even if it felt restrictive at times. Moving forward, I am committed to making choices that reflect my true self and my aspirations. ♥

You've come this far! May the heavens shower blessings upon you!