Our social intelligence assumes the main role in understanding people and building the social network structured with behaviors designed through this analysis.

If we start from the assumption that geniuses experience happiness in their actual creations, it is understandable that Kafka puts forward loneliness as the condition of happiness with the words "Sometimes being alone is the first condition of happiness." 


On the other hand, when Mevlana's saying "Loneliness is better than the love and respect given by non-humans" is evaluated from a different perspective, it can be concluded that he emphasizes the importance of adding the right people into our lives, not choosing loneliness. Again, when Bukowski said, "It is better to be alone than to be in the wrong heart," he perhaps emphasized that he could not find the right hearts and could not meet his emotional needs in his interpersonal relationships. 

As the Renaissance-era British philosopher Francis Bacon commented, "Not having a true friend is the worst kind of loneliness." It is possible to say that he points out that "poorly managed human relationships" lie at the root of loneliness, which is both in the etiology and risk factors of depression, one of the most common psychiatric disorders in society. In other words; to the importance of understanding people and the social network structured by behaviors designed through this analysis. Our social intelligence undertakes the main task in the construction of this social structure.

Human is a Biopsychosocial Creature

; It is a social creature as well as a psycho-biological one, the integrity of each of which depends on the solid existence of the other. Acceptance, understanding and approval are among our psychosocial needs as well as acceptance, understanding and approval. It would be correct to say that we can only meet these needs within a well-knit social structure. However, in today's world where borders are blurred, individual boundaries are hardening, in other words, interpersonal relationships are weakening. As a result, societies are drifting towards consisting of individuals who are programmed to give up even meeting their basic psycho-social needs. At this point, advanced social intelligences, the world; It will prevent it from turning into a planet filled with societies consisting of lonely, unhappy, uncommunicative and unsupported individuals. 

What is Social Intelligence?

Social intelligence was first defined by Thorndike in 1920 as "understanding men and women by acting wisely/masterfully in human relations." Over time, the definition of the concept of social intelligence has been expanded and examined with sub-dimensions. 

Goleman initially said; Focusing on human value and dignity, he examined social intelligence, which is one of our universal character strengths and lies under humanity, which is the dimension of virtue associated with the effective conduct of interpersonal relations, within the emotional intelligence model of which he was the creator. The reason for this is; The lack of clarity about which human abilities are social and which are emotional is attributed to the fact that these two areas interfere with each other, as if the social and emotional centers of the brain overlap. His explanation is guided by Richard Davidson's observation: “All emotions are social. You cannot separate the cause of an emotion from the world of relationships; Our social interactions govern our emotions.” Thus, social intelligence initially appears as the "social skills" component of the emotional intelligence model. In this model, social skills; It is considered one of the important elements of emotional intelligence and is defined as our social skills that enable us to establish effective and healthy relationships with people. These abilities; It enables the person to shape his/her relationships with his/her environment, to maintain close relationships, and to create a social network from which he/she can receive support, especially in difficult life events. However, over time, Goleman realized that it is not enough to present social intelligence within emotional intelligence; He realized that it blunted the development of new thoughts related to the relationship ability specific to humans, and that what was happening during the interaction was overlooked. In his own words, he expresses this determination as follows: "This myopia leaves out the 'social' part of intelligence." Thus, in 2006, he defined social intelligence as "the new science of human relations"; He defined it as "understanding people and acting skillfully in human relations" and examined it in two dimensions. These are “social awareness” and “social skills” dimensions. 


Social awareness; It describes a spectrum ranging from instantly sensing other people's inner lives, to understanding their feelings and thoughts, to comprehending complex social behaviors. It has four sub-dimensions, these are: 

1. Basic Empathy: Being able to share the feelings of other individuals and reading emotional indicators that are not expressed verbally.

2. Adaptation: Listening effectively, being able to adapt to the individual in front of us. 

3. Empathic Accuracy: Being able to accurately understand the thoughts, feelings and goals of others' actions.

4. Social Cognition: Being able to understand how the social world works.

Social awareness is about our intuition about others, and social skill is about what we do with this awareness. While progressing in social intelligence, sensing what the other person is feeling or knowing what he is thinking or planning is the first step, but it does not guarantee a productive interaction. Social skills, based on the social awareness dimension that expresses these abilities we have mentioned, are the step that leads to perfect and effective relationships. 


I would like to share with you the story that Daniel Goleman tells at the beginning of the chapter of his book about social intelligence: “Three twelve-year-old children are heading towards the football field for physical education class. One of the two athletic boys walking behind them said sarcastically, 'So you're going to try playing football, huh?' He makes fun of the slightly chubby boy. Due to the social rules of middle school students, this is a situation that can easily turn into a fight. The chubby boy closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath, as if trying to gather his fortitude for the confrontation that awaits him. Then he turns to his two friends next to him and says in a calm voice, "Yes, I will try, but I can't play well." After pausing for a while, he said, 'But I am very good at painting. "Show me anything and I'll make a perfect drawing of it," he adds. Then, he turned to the boy who was harassing him and said, 'As for you... You really play great football! I would like to play as well as you one day, but for now I can't. "Maybe if I keep trying, I can play a little better," he replies. Thereupon, the boy, whose condescending attitude had now completely changed, said in a friendly tone: 'Honey, you're not that bad. “Maybe I can show you a few things,” he responds. This short interaction story, which explains how a situation that could easily turn into a fight was skillfully managed, is an example of how social intelligence works in practice. The child who is made fun of, with the advantage of his high social intelligence, instead of succumbing to his anger, draws the other person into the positive emotional zone he created. 

In many studies, low social intelligence level; It has been revealed that these individuals have a negative impact on academic, professional and social success, their interpersonal relationship patterns are more complex and their social adaptation is more difficult. It has been determined that individuals with above-average social intelligence can predict where and how the people they communicate with will react by making accurate interpretations of their behavior, and their non-verbal communication is stronger. Another finding is that social skills, one of the main dimensions of social intelligence, are the component most linked to happiness. In a study conducted on university students; It has been determined that there is a decrease in social awareness and social skill levels in students with high levels of depression.  

In light of all this information, individuals with low social intelligence; It is clear that it will create social environments where even simple daily interpersonal disagreements turn into unsolvable problems. This will bring social isolation over time.  

According to the theory of multiple intelligences, each intelligence field can be learned and developed up to a certain point. So, we roll up our sleeves to avoid conflicts that will endanger our psychological well-being and the loneliness it will bring; Starting social intelligence exercises by learning and developing social characteristics such as being an active listener, taking into account the feelings, needs and rights of others, taking action by accurately predicting the feelings and thoughts of the individuals in front of us, being open to cooperation, risk assessment, crisis management, and making solution-oriented decisions. must.

Every Person is Unique and Special

Relationships are one of the most important social skills that need to be mastered; Being able to start, maintain and end the relationship when necessary. Friendships are one of the most beautiful interactions of life's journey and require effort. If we want deep and sustainable relationships in our lives, we must remember that every person is unique and special. We should sincerely care about people, smile often, and give honest and sincere praise. We must be careful about the language we use and be aware that a single word can cause deep wounds. We must be good listeners. We must be interested in the stories of others, encourage and support them. We must be understanding and patient, and pay attention to people's sensitivities. We must learn to manage our emotions. We should be able to sincerely admit our mistakes and apologize when necessary. We should welcome and respect disagreements and differences. Most importantly, we must be generous in love.

Yes, it smells of love, but when evaluated in terms of our subject, Nazım Hikmet, who I think made a witty praise for social intelligence, said, “Loneliness teaches people a lot. What I understand from the lines "But you don't go, I will remain ignorant"; Preferring social intelligence to intellectual intelligence will at least help keep the lover.