Family or Friends?

Why friendships are more important than family for our wellbeing:

Often weeks pass between text messages and months pass between conversations. Life happens in between and the orbits spin at a greater distance as we witness fewer details of each other's lives.

Friendships may matter more than family for our health in the long-run.
Friendships may matter more than family for our health in the long-run. STOCKSY

The love remains present and there are those with whom we'll hit the ground running every time, having quantum leapt the gap, but friendships as we grow and change, move away or have families, can be challenging to keep close.

The effort for those we hold dear is worth it though.

New research, published in June, found that friends are as important as family for our health and happiness and even more important as we age.

"There are now a few studies starting to show just how important friendships can be for older adults," said lead researcher, William Chopik, an assistant professor in psychology at Michigan State University. "Summaries of these studies show that friendships predict day-to-day happiness more and ultimately how long we'll live, more so than spousal and family relationships."

Friendships provide us with a sense of belonging and self-esteem, which "buffer against" the negative health effects of stress, the authors explain. They can also influence our adoption of positive health behaviours.

"Thus, when close relationships are going well and are positive, they can provide health-enhancing benefits; when close relationships are going poorly and are stressful, they can exacerbate existing health problems or even create new ones," the authors say.

As we age, we get to choose those we draw close which may explain their greater influence on our health as we age; they are important to us and the ones we spend our down-time with – the time we live ''well".

"The buzzword at the moment is about what's a 'logical' family versus your 'biological' family. The 'logical' family is the family you would choose," says Sian Khuman, a psychologist and practice specialist with Relationships Australia NSW.

"We always want to feel that we connect and belong in the world – as a human being that's inherent because we want to be part of a relationship and we're relational beings so it makes sense when we find a group of people that we feel a sense of belonging and connection to that that creates a real sense of belonging and wellbeing internally."

Khuman stresses that it's not at the expense of family. "Family is very important," she says. But not everyone has family they are friends with and can open up to.

"As people get older what matters most is that they have someone to share with, to speak with, to spend time with," Khuman says "And as people get older, they have less time, so it's about having meaningful experiences."

There is irony in the fact that while friendships become increasingly important to our health and wellbeing as we age, maintaining these connections becomes increasingly challenging.

Our worlds have expanded (researcher David Bradley's great-grandfather travelled 40 kilometres squared over a lifetime compared with his 40,000 kilometres squared in 1989) and our social circles have expanded too (the average Facebook user has about 338 friends).


Despite this, some research suggests our circle of those we can really rely on is shrinking. As many as one in four say they don't have a confidant with the average person having a maximum of three to five deep friendships; the kind of relationship that behavioural researcher Jeanne Nakamura refers to as "vital engagement".

"To be able to really be yourself in a relationship, it has to be reciprocal," Khuman says of deep friendships. "It is really based on some virtues which are generosity, compassion, empathy, authenticity, integrity, love."

Our friendships don't exist in a vacuum and catch-ups may not be as consistent or often as we'd like but to maintain the bonds, we need to show up with these virtues and make moments to show that that person matters to us.

"It's about being personally responsible and committing to those friendships," Khuman says. "That holds that deepness even if you have less time with them over the years."

Over the years, if we are lucky enough to find a few of those good friendships that can go the distance we realise how vital those relationships are – even from afar.

"There is a pressure in society that says if you don't have a romantic relationship or you don't have children than you have less value," Khuman says. "But in terms of people's own wellbeing, they don't need that to be OK, but they do need relationships. They do need friendships."