More Than I Deserve
Success is an insatiable want. Its victories are euphoric, its defeats disastrous. It is a small, seven letter word that can only truly be defined inside each one of us individually. The path to achieving it, in our minds, is clear, but it’s the intangibles that test our will. Failure is its shadow, always lurking close behind.
Second born to a poor, blue-collar family in upstate NewYork, my mother set the tone for defining success, “Food on the table and a roof over our heads”. In my hometown, athletics was the milestone to success. I did well enough in my studies to get by and that was good enough for me. School work never gave me the instant gratification that sports did. Athletic achievement, fuelled by my increasing popularity, placed me on top of a mountain surrounded by clouds. I was invincible. There was no tomorrow only today.
When graduation came I didn’t have the slightest idea of where I was going or what I was doing. Where ever it was, my arrogance assured me that I would excel; I was draped in Kevlar. During my time in High School I had many dates and many opportunities to express my manhood. But there was one I couldn’t claim as mine, although I admired her dearly. Try as I might, I could not get her out of my head.
As I wondered the streets of my home town, during the summer after graduation, I began to see my friends leaving for college. I noticed the puffy, white clouds surrounding me had dissipated and below was a barren landscape. No longer the "Golden Boy" of the town, I knew it was time to leave, but where was I to go?
Uncle Sam was looking for a few good men and I guess I was looking for him. When the recruiter showed me a video of guys jumping out of airplanes and tromping through the jungles, I was sold. Army Rangers watch out because here I come. Ranger School was by far the most physically challenging thing I had ever done in my life and I was determined not to fail. When it was finally over and time to graduate, that high I'd experienced in high school returned, my fuel tank of invincibility was overflowing.
After spending two years with Charlie's Rangers, at Fort Benning, Georgia, I was reassigned to the 1st of the 509th in Vicenza, Italy. For the next two years my fun meter was ticking non-stop. I was a successful Army Airborne Ranger, on the top of the food chain. Something was, however, lacking in my life. After some deep soul searching, I found out what it was, and it was her.
I left the Army, my mission with them was complete. My only quest upon discharge was to find her, sweep her off her feet and carry her off into wonderland; where ever that is? She was living in Brooklyn, New York. When we met, it was as if we both had found the missing pieces to our lives. After a short courtship, we were married and moved south.
For twenty four years now we have lived together. The trial and tribulations we have walked through together would fill volumes. Her strength has always astounded me. We have two beautiful boys, both at that wondrous age of invincibility. As they’ve grown, so have we. Of course, as I’ve gotten older and reflected on the many failures of my past, I’ve tried to let those experiences be lesson plans for their lives. It doesn’t always work but I’ll keep on trying.
I have taught school, worked for three Fortune 500 companies, coached football, baseball, basketball and wrestling and, currently, run three businesses. All of them have had their own measures of rewards and disappointments. I have written a book and am attempting to get it published. I have encountered people from all walks of life and, with all of that, I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment. But the catalyst through it all has been her.
Our personalities are so different, it is truly amazing we’ve been together this long. She is a water lily and I’m a lion. She’s a diplomat and I‘m a warrior. She’s cautious and I’m a risk taker. She’s elegant and I‘m crude. She cries and I shout.
Sometimes, that feeling of being “superman” still overwhelms me. During my last birthday, we were sitting on the front porch where I boldly made this statement to her, “Honey, I’m as trained as I’m ever going to be.” She looked at me with those big, sparkling, oval, brown eyes and simply replied, “Oh, you think so, do you?” I pulled my lips together and turned my head, realizing I was in no way ready to back up such a miscalculated statement and that I never would be.
Today, if someone were to ask me if I consider myself a success, without hesitation I’d say “yes.” But it’s not for my bank account or my homes, my boat or my cars, or my business’s, it’s because of the one success that has always made me want to do my very best. It is because of her and her unconditional love for me, that I am what I am and, to me, that amount of success is much more than I deserve.
