Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

Navigating relationships can often feel like an emotional rollercoaster. You might experience a thrilling connection with someone, only to find it fizzling out or never quite reaching the potential you hoped for. Understanding the different levels of importance in a relationship can help us manage expectations and navigate our connections more effectively. Here’s a breakdown of the four crucial levels: Admiration, Mutual Connection, Commitment, and Compatibility.

Level 1 - Admiration: The Initial Spark

Admiration is the first and most superficial level of connection. It’s when you see someone and feel an immediate attraction or intrigue. They might be interesting, attractive, or charismatic, but this initial stage is often based on surface-level qualities.

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed." – Carl Jung

Key Characteristics:

• Attraction: You might find someone appealing due to their looks, charm, or status.
• One-Sided Interest: At this stage, the other person may not even be aware of your interest or admiration.
• Emotional Impact: While admiration can be exciting, it doesn’t hold much weight in terms of relationship potential until it progresses further.

Admiration is not yet a strong foundation for a relationship because it’s often based on first impressions and can be fleeting.

Level 2 - Mutual Connection: The Dangerous Lure

Mutual connection occurs when you and the other person both show signs of attraction toward each other. This is the most dangerous stage because it can lead to high expectations and emotional investment based on the excitement of reciprocal interest.

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds." - Nicholas Sparks

Key Characteristics:

• Reciprocal Interest: Both parties express interest in each other, which can feel exhilarating.
• High Expectations: The reciprocal attraction can lead to overestimating the potential of the relationship.
• Vulnerability: This is where you might start to imagine a future together, which can make any subsequent setbacks or rejections more painful.

While mutual connection is a step forward, it’s still not enough to build a solid relationship. The thrill of mutual attraction can sometimes mask deeper issues.

The Problem with Level 2

The problem with Level 2 is that we often get stuck in the "unhatched egg" phase. We feel excited and hopeful about the possibility of a relationship, but it's still just an idea. We may grieve over someone who didn't choose us or didn't want a relationship because we invested too much emotional energy in the possibility of something that never came to fruition.

Level 3 - Commitment: The Real Test

Commitment is the third level and involves a genuine, intentional investment in the relationship. At this stage, both individuals are not just attracted to each other but are actively choosing to pursue a relationship together.

"Attention is not the same as intention. Love begins when we choose each other, not just when we notice each other." – Matthew Hussey

Key Characteristics:

• Intentional Investment: Both parties express a desire for a committed relationship and are willing to put in the effort.
• Shared Goals: This stage is characterized by discussions about the future and mutual decisions about building a life together.
• Action Over Words: True commitment involves actions that reflect a serious intention to be together, not just verbal assurances.

Commitment is crucial because it reflects a willingness to build a relationship beyond initial attraction. It’s about aligning intentions and working towards shared goals.

Level 4 - Compatibility: The Ultimate Measure

Compatibility is the final and most significant level. It’s not just about having mutual attraction or commitment; it’s about whether both individuals can successfully work together in a long-term relationship.

"A great relationship is about two things: first, finding out what you have in common; and second, respecting what you don't have in common." - David Deida

Key Characteristics:

• Practical Alignment: This includes aligning on values, lifestyle, and long-term goals.
• Problem-Solving: Compatibility involves navigating challenges together and finding ways to make the relationship work despite differences.
• Sustained Effort: Even with commitment, compatibility requires ongoing effort and adjustments to ensure the relationship thrives.

While love and attraction are important, they’re not enough on their own. Compatibility ensures that the relationship is sustainable and fulfilling in the long run.

Insights from The Drew Barrymore Show with Matthew Hussey

On an episode of The Drew Barrymore Show, relationship expert Matthew Hussey highlighted the importance of understanding these levels. He noted that while admiration and mutual connection can be exciting, they are not enough to build a lasting relationship. Hussey emphasized that commitment and compatibility are essential for creating a meaningful and enduring connection. He stressed that understanding where you are in these stages can help manage expectations and prevent unnecessary heartache.

Conclusion

Recognizing the four levels of connection, Admiration, Mutual Connection, Commitment, and Compatibility, can provide valuable insights into the nature of your relationships. By understanding these stages, you can better navigate your connections and avoid investing too much emotional energy into relationships that have not yet reached the level of commitment or compatibility.

"Love is not something you find, it's something that finds you." - Unknown

This awareness can lead to healthier relationships and a more realistic approach to love and connection.