7 of the best ‘rock ‘n’ stroll’ footballers who were brilliant at being lazy: Berbatov, Riquelme…
In an era of athletes being prioritised over pure footballers, we’re championing the players who turned their laziness into the trait that drove their career forward.
Pressing is great and players being teacher’s pet to the manager is understandable, but it’s also horrendously boring. Gone are the days of sheer technicians being allowed to stroll around the pitch at a pace they like, turning players inside out with nonchalance that only an elite few possess.
The following legends of the game didn’t necessarily talk the talk, but they definitely walked the walk. Just don’t ask them to run.
Dimitar Berbatov
“You are not going to see me puffing around the pitch. There is a saying in Bulgaria—great quality doesn’t require much effort.” The words of Dimitar Ivanov Berbatov in an interview with the Daily Mirror in 2011.
Berba knew what was up. Running is for mugs. Standing perfectly f*cking still is absolutely class. Preserve that energy, king.
Sergio Busquets
Trundling about doing nothing is not just for enigmatic strikers and maverick number 10s, though. Sergio Busquets, arguably the greatest midfield pivot in the history of the game, rarely broke a sweat.
If he ever did run, it was a vigorous jog at best, and he looked like a giraffe made of wood and pulleys, operated by a novice puppeteer.
Busquets and Berba didn’t have to run because their brains were sprinting hell for leather.
Juan Román Riquelme
The greatest J.R.R. since Tolkien, Riquelme scored more than a goal per three games for Villareal, which means we can call him things like Frodo Bagsman, Sméagoal, The Lord of Top Bins (that one’s tenuous), but, really, Riquelme was all about slow-motion nutmegs and passes that were so well disguised you could barely see them.
Camouflage passes. Defenders not even noticing them until it was too late, like a crab going about its daily chores and suddenly finding itself in the digestive tract of a hidden cuttlefish.
And Riquelme was slow. I mean, he was almost certainly faster than us and, probably, you. But he was slow, and maybe that’s why he was great. He preserved his energy and, when the moment was right, he unlocked the defence with a subtle shift of his hips, and then he went back to chilling — blending into his surroundings until the ball came his way again. 
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READ: An ode to Juan Roman Riquelme, one of football’s most pure No.10s
Nwankwo Kanu
Nwankwo Kanu is a long man. He is 98% limb. If he could be bothered to run, he would have been so fast, but, as we’ve established, running is pathetic.
Kanu did some mesmerising things with his body. He always looked in grave danger of falling over, like a child learning to ride a bike, except he wasn’t — it was all calculated.
The one time he did genuinely sprint, he utterly outstripped a Deportivo La Coruña defender, faced up to the keeper and… made the keeper fall over with his eyes. He used magic. Slotted the ball into the empty net. You don’t play football with your feet. You don’t even play it with your head. If you’re Nwankwo Kanu, you play football with your magical eyeballs.
Robert Lewandoswki
An honorary mention for Lewangoalski, here. His is not the first name that comes to mind when thinking of footballing rock ‘n’ stroll stars, but we got our hands on some data from the 2022 World Cup in Qatar.
According to Statista, Robert Lewandowski topped the statistics for distance walked in a single game, by walking over 5.2km against Saudi Arabia. That’s around three-and-a-quarter miles. To be fair to Lewa, though, Messi made three appearances in the list of top ten walkers in the World Cup.
Lionel Messi
Possibly the greatest player in the history of the game is a serial walker and never a sprinter. Running is useless. Case closed.
Messi’s genius is nigh-on incomprehensible most of the time and simply watching him go to work on a poor, unknowing defender’s ankles both brings a tear to your eye and makes you nauseous, envious, all of the above. The best part about the Argentine, though, is how simple he makes it all look.
He’s the antithesis of an athlete. He’s small and not particularly quick or strong, but he walks around the field, finds gaps, and produces superhuman moments.
Eden Hazard
Asked by L’Equipe in 2024 if he wished he had Cristiano Ronaldo’s mentality and approach to football, Hazard responded: “No. It wouldn’t have been me.
“After training, soaking in the cold bath for an hour, no. Leave me alone, with my friends, we go home, play cards, have a beer.”
Could not relate anymore, Eden. We’re so alike.
One of the most technically gifted footballers of the 21st Century, there were few as joyous as the Belgian in his pomp. And he managed to achieve that legacy by not doing much running. Instead, he saved his legs for wonder goals and zapping defenders with outrageous skill. That’s our kind of footballer.
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Man Utd star Lisandro Martinez out for eight weeks with knee injury
Manchester United defender Lisandro Martinez is facing at least eight weeks out with ligament damage in his right knee.
The Argentina defender was forced off in the 71st minute of United’s 3-0 win over West Ham at Old Trafford on Sunday, just his fourth appearance following four months out following a reoccurrence of a foot issue.
Martinez was surrounded by concerned United team-mates in the second half after going down clutching his knee, having been landed on awkwardly by West Ham full-back Vladimir Coufal.
After the match Erik ten Hag admitted the injury “doesn’t look good” and described it as a “personal disaster” for Martinez given how much time the 26-year-old had already missed this season.
Martinez initially tried to play on after the incident but soon pulled up again before trudging off the pitch.
“He is very sad, very disappointed,” Ten Hag said after the match. “We are all. We feel really with him. First of all, it’s a personal disaster when it’s really bad, but let’s wait for what it is. But also for the team it’s really bad because he definitely brings us a lot.”
The nature of the injury was confirmed by United in a statement on Monday evening.
“Lisandro Martinez has sustained an injury to the medial collateral ligament in his knee and is expected to be out of action for at least eight weeks,” the statement read.
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“The Argentine defender left the field in the 71st minute of our 3-0 win over West Ham United at Old Trafford on Sunday.
“We all wish Licha a speedy recovery and look forward to seeing him back on the pitch later in the season.”
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Liverpool icon explains why potential Klopp heir is ‘ideal choice’ amid ‘exceptional’ work at club
D
ietmar Hamann thinks Bayer Leverkusen boss Xabi Alonso is the “ideal choice” to replace Jurgen Klopp at Liverpool at the end of the season.
Alonso is the favourite to become the next Reds manager with Klopp leaving in the summer.
He is doing a fantastic job in Germany, guiding Leverkusen to the top of the Bundesliga with 16 wins and four draws from 20 league matches this term.
On top of that, Leverkusen have won all of their Europa League and DfB Pokal matches in 2023/24, meaning they are unbeaten in 29 games across all competitions, scoring a ridiculous 87 goals in the process.
The German side’s incredible form and the fact Alonso used to play for Liverpool makes him the natural choice to replace Klopp in the Anfield dugout.
And Alonso’s former Reds team-mate, Hamann, thinks the Spaniard is the best choice out there.
“I think if anyone can do it it’s Xabi,” he told talkSPORT. “He’s loved by the people, he’s been a brilliant player and what he’s doing at Leverkusen is exceptional.
“Obviously there’s a danger to going in after Klopp, the pressure and the expectations will be high, but I think they will have a team – if they keep them together – that competes for the Premier League next season.
“People talk about [Roberto] De Zerbi, [Ange] Postecoglou, Liverpool is different and he [Alonso] knows what the club is like, he’s loved by the fans, for me I think he would be the ideal choice. If he sees it the same way, I’m not too sure.
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“If you look at Liverpool, Liverpool is a special and unique club and I think the success of Klopp was down to the relationship he’s had with the players, the fans and the city, he changed the mentality in the whole city.”
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Asked what makes Leverkusen so special under Alonso, Hamann said: “They just play fantastic football.
“I think what he does is gives a lot of players an awful lot of confidence because they had some good players before, but when he took over they were third or fourth from bottom last year, within six or 12 months he turned them into title contenders.
“They play Bayern Munich on Saturday which is a big one, and some of the players look like new players. He gives them responsibility, and if you give players responsibility most of the time they do pay it back.
“In [Florian] Wirtz they have probably got the best German player in their team, [Victor] Boniface they brought in from Belgium and he’s scoring goals, and they also lost four or five players to the Africa Cup of Nations. They’re coming back slowly now and [what makes him special is] he’s a man manager.”
On their Bundesliga title chances, Hamann added: “They have a chance, I think they won’t get beaten next week and they’ll go into the final games with a lead.
“If they were to win the league it would be sensational, and maybe if he wins it he’ll think ‘this is as far as I can go, let’s take up a new challenge’ Liverpool is different, can he do it? I think if anyone can do it after Klopp it will be him.”
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